I Miss This

I thought I quit.

I may actually have quit, I'm not going to decide. I just think it's silly to keep writing baby going, when the baby has been replaced by the boy genius T and I live with. Sometimes it hurts to even hear the word baby these days.

Not often, but sometimes. See, we never really made up our minds about more babies. We would flip and flop, go back and forth and ultimately have the universe kick us in our teeth. The universe seems to think that we don't need teeth OR any more babies.

On October 17th I had an endometrial ablation and a tubal ligation. The non-reversible, burn 'em off kind of tubal ligation. My doctor shares the view of the universe in regards to babies and me. She also just wanted me to stop having suckthelifeoutofyou wonder if you need to go to the ER because you may be hemorrhaging periods that I've had for so long. She first suggested the procedure in June and brought it up again September after one of those disgusting, scary ER trips. So we decided to just do it. Okay, universe? WE GOT THE HINT. There are days when I think about never having another tiny person to cuddle and love and get it all the way right with, and there are days when I think about never having another tiny person scream at me for a reason I can't discern at all kinds of ungodly hours. So it goes.

Ultimately, I chose being my best self, my healthiest, strongest self for the two people that make waking up in the morning a great idea. I chose it, and I choose it.

I always will.